I fell off the past few days not just from here but I skipped college assessment testing and my shrink appointment. My depression comes in waves I suppose.

I think what is making me depressed, is my relationship with J.

I do not want to break up with him but I feel like this relationship slowly chips away at me everyday. The lack of communication, the lack of romance, I am trying to move on from the cheating (by cheating, I mean he was on adult websites looking for sex/hook ups. I believe in my heart he hasnt fucked anyone else but I believe he was probably talking to other women online*) and it is so hard. Even when I talk to other men, I feel gross like I am betraying J and myself. I stop replying when these guys get too comfortable or try hitting on me.

My counselor thinks there is nothing for me in this relationship but there is something there that anchors me. At his best he is funny, he is smart, he listens to my problems, he accepts my SB and everything that comes with it, the sex is good, he thinks I am beautiful and smart. I love the way he looks at me and kisses me, the way he holds me. I love his children even though his son has grown a little distant lately (probably because of what is going on between J and I) and I’ve spoken to his mom. I don’t need these things out of self esteem but from another person, these are great things to have. I just wish he tried harder. I wish his divorce didn’t make him so goddamn scared to love me the way I want to be loved.

I love J, I love J so much I cried this morning.

*to clarify, we are in a long distance relationship and I only see him every few months