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Sleepless in San Diego

Harlequinade

Chicken Casserole

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I am back after a short hiatus. I don’t even know how long it has been. Right now, I am in the middle of an emotional breakdown.

There is a time where those of us are faced choosing between life and death in a relationship and I chose to suffocate. No matter how much evidence is in my face, no matter how bad it got, no matter how many times I cried. I chose asphyxiation. There are no pity parties for people like us. We carry this in our hearts like a dirty secret, an anvil in my chest. We choke back tears and hide in our rooms replaying sad love songs. And we carefully monitor our phones and computers for texts, calls and emails we will never receive.

This is not a suicide note by the way. I will live while I am dying inside.

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Cheesecake

I fell off the past few days not just from here but I skipped college assessment testing and my shrink appointment. My depression comes in waves I suppose.

I think what is making me depressed, is my relationship with J.

I do not want to break up with him but I feel like this relationship slowly chips away at me everyday. The lack of communication, the lack of romance, I am trying to move on from the cheating (by cheating, I mean he was on adult websites looking for sex/hook ups. I believe in my heart he hasnt fucked anyone else but I believe he was probably talking to other women online*) and it is so hard. Even when I talk to other men, I feel gross like I am betraying J and myself. I stop replying when these guys get too comfortable or try hitting on me.

My counselor thinks there is nothing for me in this relationship but there is something there that anchors me. At his best he is funny, he is smart, he listens to my problems, he accepts my SB and everything that comes with it, the sex is good, he thinks I am beautiful and smart. I love the way he looks at me and kisses me, the way he holds me. I love his children even though his son has grown a little distant lately (probably because of what is going on between J and I) and I’ve spoken to his mom. I don’t need these things out of self esteem but from another person, these are great things to have. I just wish he tried harder. I wish his divorce didn’t make him so goddamn scared to love me the way I want to be loved.

I love J, I love J so much I cried this morning.

*to clarify, we are in a long distance relationship and I only see him every few months

abso-fuckin’-loutely

Today was great. Other than getting lectured by my grandmother about things beyond my current control, we had a whirlwind adventure of shopping and libraries (my favorite)

So last night I had reached out to someone I admired and they responded very early this morning. Somehow the conversation turned left and all I will say is- the grass is not greener on the other side. I feel dirty despite my curiosity being piqued. It made me grateful for J, even if he is not at his personal best at the moment.

Anyway my night is ending with Cosmo magazines and Sex in the City. Nothing too fancy. I wish my personal space was not being invaded for another 3  weeks. Help.

Hell is Empty

I asked J to say a prayer for me today which is odd. I have not been to church in years. My little pink Bible is collecting dust.

I went back to being agnostic and threw myself into scientific studies. My favorite so far when I have time is astronomy. So when I asked J to pray for me, it was a bit of a surprise for my self.

Today was uneventful. I think I bought enough oatmeal packets to last me almost a month. Leveled up my Sims in their careers while I ponder what will happen with mine. I wonder how work will turn out tomorrow, I’m a wee bit nervous because the past two days I’ve been there our daily deposit has been short 80-100 dollars. I’m not as afraid because I personally had nothing to do with the missing money but of course because I count it, eyes will be on me.

Sigh.

Also, the girl whom I’m filling in for is back in San Diego I believe so I’ll be demoted I bet (which is fine because I’m leaving anyway, remember?) And wait till she finds out her position got cut to 3 hours a day. Ohhh well.

-M.

Straight Out of Arkham

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I am sitting here wishing I could have an actual conversation with my cat. I wonder things like how is she feeling, what is she thinking when she looks up at me with her huge amber eyes?

But anyway, I have filled out more applications and getting excited about leaving my current place of employment. A part of me will be sad about having to leave a place where I grew too comfortable to but I am thinking about better opportunities to grow.

I was hoping the college was doing assessment testing today but I guess I will have to do that Monday or Tuesday. In fact, I hate that most places of operation only function Mon-Fri. I hate doing things during the week because my job mentally and physically exhausts me.

I am going to try and enjoy my weekend. My grandmother is visiting for about a month and I am already being driven up the wall 3 days later. I love her but she is very inquisitive and asks a lot of questions. Not to mention the barging in my room, going through my things and wondering my every move. For anyone wondering, I haven’t had a real relationship with any of my grandparents because I live here and they’ve lived on the other side of the US. They rarely visit or send things. I haven’t traveled back East in way over 10 years when I was child. So at the moment, I feel like my space is being invaded and I am cringing inside at the TV blaring (she is hard of hearing. So am I, but there is something about hearing Ancient Aliens blaring that makes me want to stab my ear drums out. Right now it is Jersey Boys)

Gonna wrap this up before I get a lecture AGAIN on my computer/phone usage.

-M.

Anyone out there?

I think that question has a couple different approaches. J mentioned how we all live in our own worlds. And what he means by that, is we have our own experience. We truly do not know why people may make the choices they do or what shapes their personal being, We can speculate but it is not the same (hell, we don’t even know why we do the things we do most of the time). With that being said, often times I feel alone in mine.

I decided the other day, I am going to take my happiness back into my own hands. I am filling out job applications, I am trying to motivate myself to take the college assessment test so I can do online courses at least. It is a start.

Today I was very disappointed when I came into work and this is one of the many reason why I felt alone. I come into my job with this new management team and the assistant manager rather see me fail than help and work as a team. I carry this awful burden that is meant for two people to only chip away at what I can. I have been here for over 4 years and I am terrified of starting over elsewhere but I need it. I need to be responsible before I walk out and quit.

I think I am rebuilding my friendship with my childhood bestie. We text and talk over social media everyday. I am often concern about the socializing and communication being a bother to her. With Scorpios, you can never tell. They are pretty irritable inside (ha.).

Well, time to face the music tomorrow. Last day of work before the weekend.

So, is anyone out there?

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“you ain’t got his smile”

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Looks like things are falling back into place once again (see, I promised all my posts weren’t going to be emo). I’m back at the gym, I’m starting to go back to working at the library when I am done at my actual job and trying to socialize more. My only issue at the moment is my job.

There is nothing worse than a bully that works in management. And for God knows why, she is still there. I’ve called HR, I have sat down with my old boss before she retired. If I didn’t enjoy the luxuries of actually having some cash in my wallet, I would just walk out. Yes, I do plan on looking for work elsewhere and trying to muster up the strength to continue on with higher education. There is a feeling of being defeated and a feeling of being set up for failure. About a month ago or so, our hours got cut down to 3 a day but our workload remained the same. I am also used on the salesfloor for stock checks, customer service and some managerial duties (key turns, help with the registers, etc). If you are wondering what I am, I am a book keeper. I went for this position for more money and more hours and to have a better opportunity. Instead, I am the bitch-slave to upper management in the store.

It’s funny, because when I see other places hiring I don’t see it as an available opportunity. I always see it as “how shitty was that place before the person got fired or quit?” but there is small hope to me finding something that won’t make me feel like shit at the end of the day. This is where I am also hoping higher education will help.

So me and J seem to be on the right track. Us working on things won’t be easy. I will and still do have trust issues and will have my guard up for a very long time but I love him. It’s funny how someone could hurt you so bad but you don’t want anyone else but that person. I’ve tried talking with some male friends more but even being “just friends” grossed me out (because some of them are hopeful). But I guess that is one of the mysteries of the heart. He has been doing his part the past couple days and I cannot fault him for trying. I am terrified of my heart for what it wants.

Luck be a Lady

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(taken Aug. 2014)

They call you lady luck
But there is room for doubt
At times you have a very un-lady-like way
Of running out
Your on this date with me
The pickin’s have been lush
And yet before the evening is over
You might give me the brush
You might forget your manners
You might refuse to stay
And so the best that I can do is pray
Luck be lady tonight

Last year was my first time vacationing in Vegas and the first time I met J. J and I were already acquainted online for about 2 years at that time. I was excited about finally meeting him after years of covertly messaging through an RPG which turned into texts and phone calls.

I won’t get into the drama that pursued during the trip which resulted in a loss of a friend, a strengthening of another friendship and me getting to meet what I thought was the man of my dreams.

I miss this little city of flashing lights, dry heat and being surrounded by a ring of earthy mountains. Since then, I have gone back twice after that getting more familiar with the city. At first, I thought it was obnoxious and cheesy. Slowly, I became mesmerized but not enough to convince myself to leave my ocean kingdom of San Diego. At least not yet. With J, I had plans to and I would’ve.

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(Aug. 2014 on the Stratosphere)

Maybe I left my heart in Las Vegas. And that’s okay.

Harlequinade

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Yesterday was promising and fun filled and that my friends, is not sarcasm.

I made the journey to the psych center and had a great counseling session. She was impressed that I am taking steps or even interested in bettering myself. I have goals, I do try. She asked me what we wanted to talk about; of course I chose J because it is so recent. I won’t go into details about that but she said she won’t judge me if I took him back or decided to make it work with him. But she gave me a lot of reassurance of my feelings.

After that, my childhood best friend came and scooped me up and we had a whirlwind adventure filled with laughter and macaroons at he mall. We got to catch up with each other about our lives since we departed as children and it felt like we were able to pick up where we left off. I loved being with her.

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(the rose ones are my favorite!)

I was sad when she had to leave. I felt an ounce of normalcy and friendship that I hadn’t felt in awhile. I loved yesterday.

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